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2009年 02月 22日
上野規行のヘルス･チャレンジ！！ 動画ヴァージョン！
今週は ネイティブアメリカンやハワイに伝わる 石を使った健康法、「ホットストーン」 にチャレンジしてきました。。 ＊動画はパソコンからアクセスしてご覧ください。 動画①はこちらへ 動画②はこちらへ 動画③はこちらへ 今回お邪魔したのは・・・ ●Ａｌｌｉ （アリー）● ＨＰ ： http://www.lau-s.com/index.html 愛知県名古屋市東区東桜1-3-22 ヴィアーレアルベルゴ402号室 ＴＥＬ 052-951-8837 ＊地下鉄・久屋大通駅から、『セントラルパｰクのGATE-3A』を出て徒歩1分 または、地下鉄 東山線・名城線 栄駅 13番出口から徒歩4分 営業時間 １２：００～２０：００（予約制） 不定休 このホットストーンを体験してみたいと言う方にＡＬＩＩさんが 番組を聞いて下さった方だけにスペシャルなコースをご用意してくださいました。 ◎HOT STONE 体験コース 『LOVEARTH・コース！』◎ ①通常 半身ホットストーンコース ５０分で６３００円ですが、 なんと、フットバス＋ブレンドオイル＋全身ロミロミ＋首肩ふくらはぎのホットストーン ＋プレイスメント＋アフターティ ・・・というスペシャルな内容！ （施術60分＋お着替えやフットバス、アフターティで約30分＝所要時間約90分） この６０分コースがなんと ６５００円！ ②さらに！ 全身コース ９０分 通常が１２０００円のところ、 フットバス＋ブレンドオイル＋全身のホットストーン (うつぶせ背中、脚、デコルテ、あおむけ脚、腕）＋プレイスメント＋アフターティ （施術90分＋お着替えやフットバス、アフターティで約30分＝所要時間約120分） こちらが １００００円！ です。 こちらの「ＬＯＶＥＡＲＴＨコース」、 「ＣＢＣラジオを聞きました」とひと言ってくださいね。 至福の時間とは何か？ それが体験できます♪ また、Ａｌｉｉさんでは名古屋・今池のリラクゼーションスパ・アペゼで 男女幅広く人気のヘッドマッサージもされています。 こちらの「ヘッド・モンテ」コースは 20分・2100円 です。 リフティング（小顔効果）や、眼精疲労、頭痛効果があると、 大体のお客様がリピートされる人気コースだそうです。 こちらも是非！  Tracked from ＪＫ at 2009-02-28 15:16
タイトル : ＪＫのぶっ飛び体験記
こんちは！ＪＫ（ジョン・ココイチ）と申します！てか、さっきはチョービビったよ（＾＾；My Ichimotsu そう、私のイチモ-ツをしゃぶらせてあげたらキャッシュで８万貰えちゃいましたから！ちなみに私は即ハメ成功しましたよーｗ...more Tracked from 麻衣子 at 2009-03-06 21:56
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タイトル : 首のしわ
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タイトル : 映画館にて
今日は映画館に出張してきましたぞ（笑）後ろの席とはいえ、まさかあんな大胆に猥褻行為してくるとは。。。せっかくだから３Ｄメガネかけてチチ揺れ見たけど、やっぱりチチは飛び出さなかったです（爆）...more Tracked from 国際派 at 2010-02-12 03:11
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Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL. I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die. The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. Black holes are where God divided by zero. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife. It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family. Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity. Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. I criticize by creation - not by finding fault. Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway. I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor. 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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. A model is done when nothing else can be taken out. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.' The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die. Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked. I am not young enough to know everything. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The best way to predict the future is to invent it. We have art to save ourselves from the truth. The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it. I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular? You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children. There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles. To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead. When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. The full use of your powers along lines of excellence. I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents. I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter. Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up. If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all. The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all. Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason. There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it. Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs. When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position. I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. After every 'victory' you have more enemies. I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one. All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred. Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out. There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke. UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting. If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California. Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less. The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends. True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb. If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors. If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one. It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out. The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'. Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic. As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. In this war as in others I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead. I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties. Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. A model is done when nothing else can be taken out. Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case. When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. Men have become the tools of their tools. Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing. I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment. Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers. Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents. To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory. They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell. Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment. I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them. It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Opportunities multiply as they are seized. Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers? If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God? A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being. Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art. Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable. Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience. I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder. A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny. Humor is just another defense against the universe. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic. It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.' Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-- The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case. The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action. Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money. Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is! When ideas fail, words come in very handy. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is! The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run. If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs. It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs. When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory. For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. Computers are useless; they can only give you answers. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated. Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body. Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers? Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians. If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke. They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. A model is done when nothing else can be taken out. I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell. The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault. It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think. Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love . A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage. Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings. Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. If a man does his best, what else is there? The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself. It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all. C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. The full use of your powers along lines of excellence. Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people? I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered. Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators. Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'. They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force. Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg. The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs. Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century. The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. The graveyards are full of indispensable men. Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead. The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity. Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet. My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near. TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste. And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered. UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault. Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California. Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives. I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together. Humor is also a way of saying something serious. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body. The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-- In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it. Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art. If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder. An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car... A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...) I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood. I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you. A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war. Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government. I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore. Talent does what it can; genius does what it must. Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house. The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people. A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. Everything that can be invented has been invented. All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men. A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things. Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 ! You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice. Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable. I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it. The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. A camel is a horse designed by a committee A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg. Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money. A camel is a horse designed by a committee Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near. Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how. The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head. True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being. He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher. Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface. The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators. I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It. If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check. Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead. It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting. In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear. Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction. The graveyards are full of indispensable men. C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind. If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic. It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives. The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown. I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.' It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray. It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear. If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke. A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. We have art to save ourselves from the truth. Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred. If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences. Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know. If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. A camel is a horse designed by a committee The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read. Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers. When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it. Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official... Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++. Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology. There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it. The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side Imitation is the sincerest form of television. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows. I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic. There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass. Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++. Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother. What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives. Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate. Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows. I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult. Write a wise word and your name will live forever. If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them. Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours. Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't. Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one. Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...) If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs. Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax. Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. 'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.' The full use of your powers along lines of excellence. Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk. Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. A man's only as old as the woman he feels. I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass. I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it. The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology. A camel is a horse designed by a committee If you are going through hell, keep going. Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory. For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives. A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties. We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist. Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure. Why don't you write books people can read? Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance. Premature optimization is the root of all evil. Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law. Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.' So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.' Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it. Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable. War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead. If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it. C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position. I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb. Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good. Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 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DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties. All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men. A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials. Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity. The truth is more important than the facts. Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art. Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light Computers are useless; they can only give you answers. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do whether it is correct or not. You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order. Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice. Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint. When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you. Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. 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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature. It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? Humor is just another defense against the universe. It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right. When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it. Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. After every 'victory' you have more enemies. Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs. I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family. Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 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