俺も非のび太･真っ暗派ですね
横になって目をつぶってから１時間以上かかる事もしょっちゅうなので
いま目を閉じたままで枕もとのCDを入れ替えるのも普通にできるようになりました

私も非のび太・真っ暗派です。
夏は窓を開けっ放しなので目をつぶって3時間は覚醒してます。酒飲んでも寝れないし、軽く睡眠障害よ。

私は非のび太・豆電派です。
あのくらいの明るさの方が、睡眠には良いらしいですよ。
泊まり先の相手には申し訳ないけど、豆電は譲れません。

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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

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Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

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Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

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All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

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Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

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Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

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Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

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You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

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The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

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'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

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There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

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In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

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A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

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Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

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If you are going through hell, keep going.

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A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Why don't you write books people can read?

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I am not young enough to know everything.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.